‘Dear Australia: yes, kings are a silly idea. But this is why Britain stuck with them’
It is the fundamental silliness of the monarchy which has guaranteed its future, argues Fleet Street Fox. Everyone needs something to laugh about
King Charles is taking a break from cancer treatment for a state visit to Australia, and the antipodean equivalent of regional mayors have all found somewhere else to be.
Although support for the monarchy is – for Australia – pretty healthy at the moment, it’s easy to understand why state premiers from all sides of the political spectrum Down Under would rather get their nails done.
Being pictured bending the knee is something politicians only like doing for young and glamorous Royals, pop stars, or Hollywood idols. Not old, dull people. And we know this is true, because if the Princess of Wales was to turn up in Sydney mid-cancer treatment these raging hypocrites would be fighting each other to do the grip-and-grin.
And let’s be honest – kingship is even sillier than celebrity. Someone without natural talents to elevate them above the herd gets to wear a shiny hat and be treated special. But the difference between Australia and Britain is that we’ve come to terms with it, and they still don’t get the joke. So let’s explain.
1. We got rid of Royalty. It led to getting rid of Christmas, theatres, feathers in hats, and all other forms of fun. In its place we got Old Ironsides, gloom, doom, and political princelings. We told Royalty it could come back if it behaved itself. It has. This is what we in the northern hemisphere call ‘a win-win’.
2. They have far too many houses, free cars, clothes leant to them by designers trying to get noticed, and are surrounded by the sort of hangers-on desperate for a smidgeon of prestige and influence that you’d think they were Parliamentarians. But, unlike MPs, their entire life story is offered up to the public as an international soap opera as payment. It’s icky and immoral, but that’s the deal, and there are many servants, press officers and palaces for them to hide behind.
3. You may think it pathetic that a modern nation expends any energy on the ins-and-outs of a group of privileged idiots with barely a brain cell between them. Well, you could say the same for Neighbours, and add that it is derivative, trite, and past its sell-by date – but you export it to us nevertheless.
4. Yes, Charles once fantasised about being a tampon. But at least he never popped his collar up and cavorted with shop dummies in a badly-lit alleyway, like Paul Robinson did. ICK.
